It's time for the Percolator? Because Downtown features high volumes of free coffee, along with scaling back on non-driver-centric infrastructure. Image by Randy Feet used with permission.

Mayor Muriel Bowser’s allies at the Council are working on a protocol for issuing an automatic veto for any legislation or infrastructure that could possibly affect downtown in any innovative way.

Borrowing from the Mayor’s signature recovery tagline, Be Downtown, supporters at a press conference said the Because Downtown Act of 2024 could be applied to undermine a variety of measures, including: road pricing; bike lanes; bus priority; automated traffic enforcement; or “anything that makes parking garage owners sad.”

“I get why bus lanes are good for bus people. They want a faster bus, and buses can move a lot more people than cars, and yes, of course, people spend money and need offices whereas cars don’t,” said an office building owner. “But I think we’re taking our eyes off the prize here, and the prize is that even though a lot more people could take buses, I will not, and my colleagues in the commercial real estate industry will not, which makes it hard to imagine anyone else choosing to ride a bus for transportation.”

“We do like free coffee.”

Streets for Teds

In response to the demands of a sports team owner in exchange for returning to the arena location that made the most sense anyway, the administration will be replacing the popular Streets for People grant program, which allocated funds for people-oriented activations of public space in business corridors, with a new initiative called Streets for Teds.

The key features of Streets for Teds are:

  • No Streateries. A Ted at the press conference who said he’d once taken an economics class nodded his assent. “Because nothing says commercial decline like people eating, drinking, and enjoying themselves outside.”
  • Shifting bus stops that Teds have “concerns about walking in and around.” “Yes, it can be alarming to walk past common urban infrastructure that Teds don’t use,” a Ted piped up.
  • More cheap parking. An attendee who said his middle name is Ted agreed. “Because nothing says vibrant local economy like a ton of prime real estate used for a very small number of people at rock-bottom prices.”

“Basically, things that Teds want,” a spokeswoman explained. An awkward moment occurred when a reporter put up his hand. “My name’s Ted. It feels increasingly unsafe for me to ride a bike downtown, to see a game or anything else. Is there anything about safety for non-drivers to get us to come back downtown?” The spokeswoman paused, shrugged, and replied “Things that other Teds want.”

Don’t say “bike lane”

The bill has a special feature focused on bikes, which bill backers described as “business kryptonite” despite decades of research showing that building bike infrastructure strengthens a business environment.

“I get why bike lanes are good for bike people. They want a safe ride, and bikes can move a lot more people than cars, and yes, of course, people spend money and need offices whereas cars don’t,” said an office building owner. “But I think we’re taking our eyes off the prize here, and the prize is that even though a lot more people could ride bikes if they had safe infrastructure, I will not, and my colleagues in the commercial real estate industry will not, which makes it hard to imagine anyone else choosing to ride a bike for transportation.”

There’s still room for pedestrianized corridors for those keen on a more welcoming urban environments, a supporter was quick to point out. But advocates may wait a while for details on those.

Backers don’t want to stop at transportation. “Sky’s the limit really. Schools’ HVAC systems are busted? Too bad, we need those repair funds for office-to-housing conversion incentives. You want money for keeping people housed? Nope, that’s earmarked for funding our encampment clearings.”

Pushed to articulate what vision, precisely, the seemingly random influxes would achieve and whether they weren’t more of a desperate smorgasbord of a wishlist, the backer slowly backed…away.

Tomorrow’s technology, yesterday’s urban design

Because Downtown’s features aren’t limited to stopping things from happening, though. There’s also a provision for cueing automatic tax breaks–according to the bill’s language–”whenever an out-of-state CEO’s blood pressure rises.”

The provision would be a first-in-the-nation program using biotechnology that links up local policy changes to biological changes among a specific class of businessperson.

“We’ve learned a lot just from the baseline biomarkers taken during the pilot,” said a spokesperson. “Did you know that in addition to high blood pressure, this particular group also suffers from short-sightedness and has trouble envisioning a future for the District twenty years from now that isn’t absolutely overrun with personal vehicles? Fascinating stuff.”

A nice hot cup of “shut the h*** up” for non-drivers

If enacted, Because Downtown will also trigger a month of free drip coffee to assuage public concerns about a lack of clear strategy other than “not bikes, not streateries, just car-based vibes.”

“How can they say there’s no vision?” a supporter said. “There’s pretty much endless free drip coffee for anyone motivated to look.”